Capitaan dildo arrescate!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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