Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
