Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
