Do you still have your period?
My liver just broke up with me...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
