There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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