She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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