I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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