he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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