The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
