Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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