If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She said her name was "party"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
In America we eat man semen.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
how does that bad decision feel?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
