just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
