It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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