So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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