I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
