I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
