my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
