I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
