I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
