I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
What a dumb baby whore.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
