Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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