i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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