please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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