I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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