She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
