Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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