just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
