There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
