your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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