My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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