Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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