He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
