I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
