i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
