I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
