i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
