I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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