Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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