You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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