she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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