im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
