did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
