just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
