Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
