Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
