3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
