They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
