farters have to be the big spoon...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
