dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
