No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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