My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
