I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
